Our first girl baby? “Oh gravy!” I thought. I hated pink, anything shaped as a heart, glitter, bling and princesses. How in the world was I going to raise a girl? I soothed my fears, “Maybe, she’ll be a tom-boy!” 12 years later; here’s my tom-boy…
Our third girl baby? God works in mysterious ways. Maybe this third girl would be the least girly-girl in our possession…..
We should have just painted the entire house pink. It was a done deal.
In June of 2007, we had 3 girls, 3 and under. My innards began to cringe. These 3 babies were going to grow out of being babies, and I was the one that was going to teach them the dance of womanhood. They were going to take their cues from me. Bless it.
Before Katie could speak, I determined in my heart that clothes were not going to be the battle I bellowed from my motherhood mountain top. My mom and I went ROUNDS regarding clothing. As an adult, I can easily unpack my mom’s fierce determination when it came to clothing. In hindsight, I understand why it was so important to her. This knowledge enabled me to make solid decisions on behalf of my girls and their growing wardrobes.
We have basically one rule when it comes to clothing; it cannot be “unappropriate”. Lucy coined the term, “unappropriate” when she was little watching some scantily clad NFL cheerleader on TV. The term just stuck.
In August, I wrote an article for Shattered Magazine called, Dear Anna Duggar, Josh’s Ashly Madison Affair Is Not Your Fault
. My motivation behind that article is my same motivation behind today’s article; FREEDOM!
We are sending SUCH confusing signals to our precious young woman, and I cannot help but want to intervene. I am a woman, and I am in the process of raising 3 more women.
On one side of the coin our young woman are bombarded in youth chapels, purity ring talks and youth group sermons with the message, “Girls, you need to dress modestly so that you do not stumble your brothers in Christ.”
And seriously, within 1.2 seconds of saying “I do” at the altar, women are hearing in the adult services, Sunday Schools and from the pulpit, “women if your husband has sexual struggles, it’s your fault for being such a prude!”
Men, lean in close, penning a woman’s sexual story is not some chapter book that first gets opened the night of your honeymoon. There are many, many chapters before you even entered the scene, sir.
It is paralyzingly complicated to tell a girl her whole life not to have sex before marriage, dress more discreetly… even more discreetly than THAT. And then VOILA, when the fairy god-mother shakes her wicked wand, women are to become tigrous in the bedroom so our husbands don’t stray.
Both turns of the coin lay the entire blame of men’s struggle on the shoulders of women. Both before AND after marriage.
Men, can you possibly see how painful it is to carry this monologue our whole lives?
How YOUR sexual struggle is routinely laid at OUR doorstep?
In the words of my favorite Jen Hatmaker, this is “horsecrappery!”
Now, please do not hear what I am NOT saying.
Do I think it is important for a woman to be a part of a healthy, sexual relationship with her husband? Yes! Yes! Yes! But for the reasons I outlined in my article with Shattered.
Do I think it is important for women to dress modestly? Yes, but not because of all the reasons you’ve been told your whole life.
When the men in your life are being honest with you about their struggle, they will tell you that a mannequin fully clothed can be added to the visual rolodex of their “struggle”. Welcome to reality.
That is why as women, we have to be motivated to dress modestly by something completely independent of men and their struggle.
Can I propose something completely revolutionary here?
How about we encourage our girls to dress modestly FOR THEMSELVES??
I know, your brain just BLEW UP!
Imagine this. From the time our girls entered this world, their bodies were treated and respected as holy ground. Divine, unique and exquisite pieces of art. What if we so taught them to be in love with their own skin and their own shape, that they literally OWNED IT! They so adored the masterpiece God made with their bodies, the only logical option left in their mind was to protect it and guard it to the death.
What if we never ONCE described or identified our young women by their body shapes: skinny, fat, over weight, ugly, beautiful, big-boned, tiny, large, pear, hour glass, having gained weight, having lost weight, small chested, big chested, no chested, and the putrid list goes on and on.
What if from BIRTH we described them and identified them by naming their GIFTS?!
“This is Katie, she is the kindest soul you’ll ever meet!”
“This is Julia, she is the most creative soul you’ll ever meet!”
“This is Lucy, she is the most life-giving soul you’ll ever meet!”
What if we could re-write the internal narrative of insecurity with a narrative of overflowing pride and confidence in whom our God designed our daughters to be?
Can you imagine the implications?
Long before our daughter’s bodies are stumbling blocks to the pimpled-nosed, pubescent boy; we MUST FIRST reach deeper into THEIR stories and paint on THEIR canvases with pride, confidence, stability, tenderness towards themselves, knowledge and education of their bodies, GRACE so much grace for the changing seasons she’ll forever be walking through.
The National Eating Disorders Association records that by elementary age (6-12) girls are already expressing dissatisfaction in their weight and body figure. A concern that will lead them to the join the 20 million women in the US that have an eating disorder or anxiety disorder.
Most women I know hate their bodies, or at least something about their bodies.
Truth? There are things I hate about my own body.
Isn’t it time we do better for the next generation? Our daughters, our future daughter in-laws, our nieces, our students, our neighbors, our granddaughters and most importantly OURSELVES?!!!
Maybe, just maybe could we stand up and fight against the objectification of women every.where.we. look? In our churches, communities, schools, tv shows, news casts, sporting events, newspapers, movies, and magazines.
Sweet Val would walk into any grocery store or gas station and systemically begin to flip magazines over, “Nobody needs these images in their head,” she would smile and say. I used to think she was talking about boys and men not needing those images. Today, I realize she meant herself, my sister and me.
Gosh, she was SO right!
I’m so over it.
I’m so done with the glamorization of the Honey Boo-Boo’s in our world.
I want to fight with everything in me to NOT pass down this generational sin of insecurity and self-hatred to my daughters.
I want something so much sweeter, so much kinder, so much more bearable for them to carry.
I want to give them the gift of life. The gift of REALLY loving their bodies.
Today, I’m writing a new story for myself.
Today, I’m writing a new story for my girls.
Today, you should begin a new story for yourself.
Today, you should begin a new story for all the young girls and women in your life.
Today, let’s begin anew!