*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*
Dear Friend Struggling With Worthlessness and Loneliness,
You are not alone.
I am a single college student. I grew up in a church that had plenty of people a few years older than me, and plenty of people a few years younger, but there were only about 4 of us in my age demographic.
I grew up wanting to be a missionary, which isn’t really the career choice that a “normal” 6 year-old picks.
I am now in a church where I am one of 4 single young adults. I am the only female.
I have been hit on twice in my life – by two old homeless men.
(It’s ok to laugh. At least I know that I have a type.)
I’m what you would call an out-going introvert. I LOVE people. I want people to feel loved and accepted into a group, and I’m gifted at making that happen.
The introvert part is that I can’t do small talk. I legitimately don’t know how. When I talk to you, I want to get past the “where did you grow up?” part of the conversation and move onto “What do you struggle with?” very quickly.
I love to listen to people and hear their stories.
I also have deep, deep insecurities about my value and worth. It’s to the point where I don’t talk about myself. I very rarely tell stories about my life, and when I do, they are short and I talk quickly so that people don’t have to listen to me for very long. Even writing this letter has me wondering, “Why in the world does Sara Littlejohn want my story to share? Nobody wants to hear about my life. I should make this as short as possible so that people don’t get bored.”
But I am also a woman who relies on people for her sense of self-worth. I deeply, painfully, desperately want to be known, liked, and sought after by people. And God has decided that, that is not the way He wants to order my life.
God has chosen to put me in scenarios where I am separate, different, not included, or ignored. And I am lonely.
I shared with a friend recently: I signed up to be hated and rejected by the world. I was prepared for the world to ignore me. That was part of the deal when I became a Christian. That’s what God promised and I was expecting it. I am not prepared to feel like an outsider in the Church–separate from other believers. I was not ready to stand in a group of believers and realize I am not known.
I have been fighting the uphill battle against my need for approval and acceptance for years. I have had counseling. I have dug through my past friendships, my childhood, my family dynamics searching for the root of my need. I have prayed, cried, and yelled and I still feel stuck–buried in this sin of relying on man rather than God.
I am holding onto the thread of Hope that God isn’t planning on leaving me here. It’s a tiny, itty bitty threat that I have frequently wanted to let go of. I so desperately want to give up the fight to believe that there is a reason God has ordered my life this way. That He can and will change my heart in His timing.
I have zero answers, no “fix all” formula, not even a good memory verse to tape up on the mirror. I just have a small whisper telling me, “I’m still here. I’m not finished with you yet.”
Dear Friend Struggling With Worthlessness and Loneliness, you are not alone!