Why Do I Feel So Empty?

Why Do I Feel So Empty?

by Sara Littlejohn4 Comments

“It is easier to suffer than it is to feel empty.”

This quote by Beth Moore has haunted me for days.

Our souls, when made to feel empty, will act like a vacuum, sucking up anything and everything to fill the void. In our brokenness, we will repeatedly choose pain, even self-inflicting pain, if it means we do not have to sit in emptiness. This is where one can begin to unpack the complexities of addiction, and understand what creates an atmosphere ripe for bondage and slavery.

Someone does not climb out of bed as a young child and consciously decided they will spend the rest of their life enslaved to drugs, work, food, pornography, approval, sex, material things, status and power. As, as toxic, poisonous, and all-consuming as addictions can be, they are mere symptoms of a darkness much deeper.

Where addiction reigns, emptiness abounds.

In my day-to-day life, I feel like one of the greatest struggles I, myself face, and one of the greatest struggles I watch others face, is loneliness, emptiness, and worthlessness.

And it will come as no surprise to anyone that these struggles are absolutely rampant in churches and in Jesus followers.

In Galatians 5, we read that it is FOR FREEDOM that we have been SET FREE. I don’t know about y’all, but I see a whole mess of a world handcuffed and in captivity. We sing about freedom, we preach about freedom, we write about freedom, but how many people actually are tasting freedom? The type of freedom no man could EVER grant another. The type of freedom no constitution could ever withhold.

Sweet Mama Beth goes on to talk about the biggest challenge slaves who are set free will face. Slaves who are set free will struggle with learning how to live as if they are actually free. Unfortunately, our own nation’s history can testify to the mountainous climb free slaves had to face.

Here’s the deal friends, when our ransom was paid for on the cross, when our Jesus paid it all….WE WERE SET FREE!

When we call on the name of Jesus, immediately our chains are gone and God transfers to US, you and I, the same power that raised Jesus from the dead. But here is the rub, here is where the break-down happens, here is where Satan insists on twisting and perverting the truth; WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO LIVE FREELY. We so identify with the enslavement our souls trusted for so long; we are so trained to our default; we are so comfortable with the way it has always been, that we consciously or subconsciously continue to live in captivity. Isaiah 30:12 says, “they have put their trust in oppression!” The very thing that zaps our bones of freedom and life, is they very thing we end up trusting. And when we continue to trust our oppression, we continue to be empty…empty even unto death.

Like Taylor Swift, I am so breaking up with emptiness, and we are never-ever getting back together.

I am so sad and heart-broken that our churches, our communities, our homes are just full of empty, hurting people who are constantly in despair.

1 Peter 1:17 says, “knowing you were not redeemed with perishable things like silver or gold from your empty way of life inherited from your forefathers, but with precious blood, as of a lamb unblemished and spotless, the blood of Christ.”

Redemption isn’t just about saving us from our sin and eternal destruction. Jesus redeemed us from an empty life. God gave His only Son, not only to pave a way  for us to spend eternity in the presence of the Almighty, but He redeemed us so that He might fill our emptiness in the HERE AND NOW! On THIS side of glory.

Notice also, where the emptiness came from in 1 Peter. The forefathers.

Let’s just stop here and resolve to do this differently. Can we promise ourselves to NOT be “forefathers” who pass down emptiness to the next generation? Can we offer that amazing gift to our children? I want my children to witness in me a fight to diminish emptiness and restore life. Not only in my home but in our churches? Can we rise up and say, we refuse to sit in the pews of churches where emptiness is the spiritual inheritance? We have to stop eating the stale diet of emptiness and feast on freedom and life.

Jesus tenderly spoke to hot-mess of a crowd, the Pharisees; the spiritual giants of the time. Men who were content to fill their emptiness with rules, laws and formulas.

“The thief (Satan) comes only to steal, kill and destroy. I came so that they may have life and have it abundantly!”

If he hasn’t yet, he will try and steal, kill and destroy your life also.

“I came.” Really this statement in an of itself, reminds us of the amazing-ness of the incarnation.

“I came so that they may have life and have it abundantly!”

Y’all. We can’t ever get back together with emptiness. Because as we attempt to fill our emptiness with anything but Jesus, we are destroying our marriages, our families, our homes, our schools, our churches and our communities. Emptiness is flat out robbing us of an abundant, overflowing, joyous kind of life.

Don’t be confused, our lack of emptiness does not mean life will be easy, or that it will feel good, or that it will be pain-free, stress-free, or sorrow-free. Our lack of emptiness means we get to do this thing called life less inhabited by us and MORE inhabited by Jesus. Our lack of emptiness means we get to die, so that Jesus can more freely live within us.

And that’s the only thing worth living for.

Here is to destroying emptiness and learning how to live freely!

Empty_2

Dear Friend Struggling With Fear Of Failing

Dear Friend Struggling With Fear Of Failing

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With Fear Of Failing (ourselves and our children),

You are not alone. I, myself have struggled (continue to struggle).

Jesus has shown Himself faithful to me in these ways: He watches over me calming my fears of doubt; He guides my path, settling me in my darkest hour. Release your words, your fears, your anxiety and your self doubt to Him; He will comfort you through the storm(s). There will be light. There will be love. There will be peace.

You are Enough.

May peace be with you! Trust in Him. Believe in Him. Pray to Him.

Dear Friend Struggling With Fear Of Failing, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling With Worthlessness and Loneliness

Dear Friend Struggling With Worthlessness and Loneliness

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With Worthlessness and Loneliness,

You are not alone.

I am a single college student. I grew up in a church that had plenty of people a few years older than me, and plenty of people a few years younger, but there were only about 4 of us in my age demographic.

I grew up wanting to be a missionary, which isn’t really the career choice that a “normal” 6 year-old picks.

I am now in a church where I am one of 4 single young adults. I am the only female.

I have been hit on twice in my life – by two old homeless men.
(It’s ok to laugh. At least I know that I have a type.)

I’m what you would call an out-going introvert. I LOVE people. I want people to feel loved and accepted into a group, and I’m gifted at making that happen.

The introvert part is that I can’t do small talk. I legitimately don’t know how. When I talk to you, I want to get past the “where did you grow up?” part of the conversation and move onto “What do you struggle with?” very quickly.

I love to listen to people and hear their stories.

I also have deep, deep insecurities about my value and worth. It’s to the point where I don’t talk about myself. I very rarely tell stories about my life, and when I do, they are short and I talk quickly so that people don’t have to listen to me for very long. Even writing this letter has me wondering, “Why in the world does Sara Littlejohn want my story to share? Nobody wants to hear about my life. I should make this as short as possible so that people don’t get bored.”

But I am also a woman who relies on people for her sense of self-worth. I deeply, painfully, desperately want to be known, liked, and sought after by people. And God has decided that, that is not the way He wants to order my life.

God has chosen to put me in scenarios where I am separate, different, not included, or ignored. And I am lonely.

I shared with a friend recently: I signed up to be hated and rejected by the world. I was prepared for the world to ignore me. That was part of the deal when I became a Christian. That’s what God promised and I was expecting it. I am not prepared to feel like an outsider in the Church–separate from other believers. I was not ready to stand in a group of believers and realize I am not known.

I have been fighting the uphill battle against my need for approval and acceptance for years. I have had counseling. I have dug through my past friendships, my childhood, my family dynamics searching for the root of my need. I have prayed, cried, and yelled and I still feel stuck–buried in this sin of relying on man rather than God.

I am holding onto the thread of Hope that God isn’t planning on leaving me here. It’s a tiny, itty bitty threat that I have frequently wanted to let go of. I so desperately want to give up the fight to believe that there is a reason God has ordered my life this way. That He can and will change my heart in His timing.

I have zero answers, no “fix all” formula, not even a good memory verse to tape up on the mirror. I just have a small whisper telling me, “I’m still here. I’m not finished with you yet.”

Dear Friend Struggling With Worthlessness and Loneliness, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Who Is Being Abused

Dear Friend Who Is Being Abused

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Who Is Being Abused,

You are not alone.

Any form of abuse is devastating, tragic and wrong! I want to speak particularly to emotional abuse.

I have struggled and am struggling with both recognizing and stepping away from enabling the manipulation and control that make up this monster. A monster that hides beneath and is “defended by” even our own “beliefs” at times.

It is confusing and exhausting, especially when the evidence isn’t physical, yet just as insidious and damaging.

Jesus has shown himself faithful by speaking to me about who I am and my true worth, teaching me to educate and think for myself, and giving me the courage in the face of fear and confusion to see clearly, speak clearly and stand firm. This seeing, speaking and standing– is also messy, confusing, and exhausting. It is a process.

But there is more grace, mercy and love in the tension than you can ever imagine. He has called me out among the waters, into the great unknown and is fighting for me – and if God is for us, who can be against us?

Right?
SHIT YES.

Dear one, you are not crazy. If you needed to hear that, you know who you are. You feel it in that deepest secret place that only you know. WAKE UP!

Dear Friend Being Abused, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling With An Addicted Spouse

Dear Friend Struggling With An Addicted Spouse

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With An Addicted Spouse,

You are not alone. Addiction is part of our story too.

My husband was exposed to porn at age 7, and formed an alcohol addiction as a young teenager. Twelve years into our marriage both of these addictions came to light, and nearly wrecked our family.

We both got into therapy and began to deal with our individual pain.

I had grown up in an alcoholic home and learned quickly how to keep things peaceful by not rocking the boat. I brought that skill into my marriage. I became everything my husband needed me to be, and in doing so denied myself, denied my feelings, needs and wants, and denied my own pain. I thought this was loving my husband until I realized it was hurting him and enabling him to stay the same.

In therapy I learned how to make healthy boundaries for myself, to value myself, and to communicate what I need and want. It wasn’t until I implemented boundaries with my husband, that he began to wake up and get well. I got myself into a recovery group with other spouses that understand the struggle.

This has been absolutely life-changing for me.

Today our marriage is stronger than it’s ever been. There are no more secrets between us. The healing we have received as a result of facing this struggle and dealing with it far outweighs the life of denial, loneliness, and pain we had been living in.

If this is you, there is so much hope for you! Recovery is your choice. You get to choose it, regardless of what anybody else chooses.

If this is you, you have probably lived a lot of your life for someone else. The time is here that you do something for you. Whatever it takes to get you the healing you need, do it! You are worth it! Your own healing and health will benefit every relationship you have, including your children!

Reality is we cannot truly love others in a healthy way, until we love ourselves.

Dear Friend Struggling With An Addicted Spouse, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling With Body Image

Dear Friend Struggling With Body Image

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With Body Image,

You are not alone.

My goodness, are you in good company! Because friend, I am standing right next you staring into that carnival mirror. My hair never lays right, my right boob is bigger than the left, my belly pudges over every pair of pants except the maternity set, and don’t get me started on the back fat.

You are not alone.

But let me remind you that you are also a child of the Creator. He made you with intention. You didn’t just “happen.” He knew you and your name before you were ever thought about on this earth. He had a plan for you before there was ever time. And our God does not make mistakes. He makes worlds come into existence with one word, and with that same power, He made you, His most important creation–His child.

Regardless of how you see yourself, He sees His image in you. Remember that.

You were made with a purpose.

Dear Friend Struggling With Body Image, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling As A New Mama

Dear Friend Struggling As A New Mama

by Sara Littlejohn1 Comment

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling As A New Mama,

You are not alone.

I know you. I know the struggle of loving this baby so much, but wanting more than two hours without having her demand your presence. I know the insanity that comes at 2am when you have to feed again and you feel like you just fell asleep. I know the resentment that comes when you are feeding that sweet love of yours, and your husband lies undisturbed in his peaceful dreams. I know the loneliness that comes during the day while your husband is at work, and at night as he easily falls asleep. But your job is never done. I know you so well these days because I’m feeling these same things.

You are not alone.

You are like every other new mom, exhausted in every way possible. But there is hope. He or she will sleep one day for just a little longer, and sweet friends will show up just when you need them to sit with the baby while you shower.

Our God made Mama’s just for this. We survive, my friend. And we thrive as we do it. Keep going. One moment at a time. That sweet baby smile will come eventually. She will recognize your face soon, and the misery fades so quickly.

You are loved and you were picked out especially for this child.

Dear Friend Struggling As A New Mama, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling With Singleness and Loneliness

Dear Friend Struggling With Singleness and Loneliness

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With Singleness and Loneliness,

You are not alone.

Coming from a small community and “farming” life style, it was normal for girls to marry young, pop out a few children and spend their days as a loving wife and mother. I thought for sure, growing up, that was going to be my story. I’ve always wanted to be a mom, always wanted to find that “Mr. Right” but just kept finding “Mr. OK”

I am 35 years old, never have been married and no children……..yet. But I am happy to share that God has brought an amazing man into my life just within the past few months and I can tell you all the things your married friends keep telling you like,”you’ll just know when he’s the one” or “it will happen to you when you least expect it.”

It’s all true!

Yes, I’ve been praying for a husband for years, and yes I’ve gone through all the emotions that we as women can’t help but feel; sadness, loneliness, and depression. Wondering if I’m just called to a life of singleness and I’ll never be a mom. But that was just Satan trying to knock me off track. Make me feel things that were just not true. Or wanting me to “settle” and be OK with a mediocre husband and a mediocre life.

That is NOT what God had planned for me. I’m beginning to see that He truly does want to give me the desires of my heart. Just from these first few months, I’ve seen God’s hand at work in so many ways. Silly things that I didn’t think I cared about, but I hear God whisper “here my child let me give you this as well.”

It’s been worth the wait, it’s been worth the loneliness. Please hear me! It’s been worth it.

I never thought I would say those words. When you are in the midst of the loneliness you don’t “feel” like it will be worth it, you don’t “feel” like you will ever be truly happy. But I am telling you, YOU WILL!

Hang in there. Don’t settle.

Know that you are never really ever alone.
God is there.
He hears your prayers.
He will answer when the time is right.

Dear Friend Struggling With Singleness and Loneliness, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling With Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

Dear Friend Struggling With Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction,

I want you to know that you are not alone!

This is a struggle very few people gather the courage to talk about, because sometimes the reactions of others are worse than keeping it hidden.

Sexual addiction has impacted my entire marriage, but I didn’t found out about it until several years into our marriage. Since founding out, I’ve kept it mostly hidden.

I was so ashamed. I felt like a failure as a wife. I felt unloved, rejected, replaced, worthless, and forgotten. I stayed in the darkness and let the darkness convince me that my marriage was the only one locked in this struggle.

If you are feeling that way today, I want you to know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Your husband’s addiction is not a reflection of your worth. You are worth knowing. You are worth being loved. I want you to know that you did not cause his addiction, you can’t control it, and you can’t change him. That is something God must do.

This is a trial I never imagined I would be in. But God has been with me. Even when I’ve felt completely alone, He has been with me, pressing His truth into my heart. He has shifted my focus from relying on my husband’s love, acceptance, and faithfulness to relying on His.

God loves you. He is with you through this journey. He will use this in your life to bring light into the dark places. And through your journey you will be able to speak life to another hurting sister. (2 Corinthians 1:4)

You have great worth and beauty.

And, sweet Sister, whether you feel it or not, you are strong.

I am praying for you.

Dear Friend Struggling With Your Husband’s Sexual Addiction, you are not alone!

Dear Friend Struggling With Infertility

Dear Friend Struggling With Infertility

by Sara LittlejohnNo Comments

*This post is apart of our “Dear Friend” series. These letters have all been written by women who want you to know that you are not alone in your struggle*

 

Dear Friend Struggling With Infertility,

You are not alone; I myself have struggled with infertility.

All the counting days until your next cycle, wondering if every flutter you feel in your belly is the answer to your dreams, the ache when you see the mother with her pregnant belly, the mother holding her chubby faced baby. Wondering if when your friend announces that she is pregnant, you look happy enough for her. Because you really are happy for her, but you feel like everyone is watching you to see if you are going to break. You don’t make eye contact with those you think are watching because you don’t want to see the “poor you” look in anyone’s eyes because it will be the end of you.

The poking, the prodding and all the doctor’s appointments. The medicine that makes you crazy and the stress it all puts on your marriage. Your marriage bed has gone from intimacy to systematic, temperature-taking, day-counting, and schedule-keeping sex.

All the Hannah prayers going up to God that you think are going unanswered. The wondering what sin you are being punished for and feeling guilty for all the bad decisions you ever made, surely this must be a punishment.

Wondering if your husband can really love you the way other husbands love their wives, because these women have shown their ultimate strength as they championed through the laborious pain of child birth.

You are not alone, I have been there. Jesus has shown Himself faithful to me, not by opening my womb, but by blessing me with beautiful children through adoption.

Once we made the decision to walk away from our fertility treatments and adopt, I felt ultimate peace.

I have championed through my own sort of labor pains as I waited faithfully for the Lord to place our children into our home. While our road to our family is different than the traditional road, it is still 100% my family and I have never looked back.

I am praying for you who reads my letter, that the Lord will open your womb, or that He will make his path very clear to you and ultimately grant you a peace that surpasses all that we can understand.

God sees you and he loves you and he hears your prayers and he knows the deepest desires or your heart and he will meet you where you are and He will bless you more abundantly than you can ever ask or imagine.

Dear Friend Struggling With Infertility, you are not alone!

‹12345›»