for the past four weeks i feel like my heart has stalled in constant grief and stress. i feel like my body has not stopped being in flight or fight mode for weeks. it’s exhausting dwelling here. there are moments, like early in the morning when i sip on my coffee and talk to jesus, or late in the evening when i sip on my wine and talk to jesus, that their is relief from the chaos. a slew of imminent decisions with the heaviest of consequences have been required of us, with only seconds, minutes, or hours to respond. ONE, ONE of these circumstances would have been cause for some serious soul searching, meditation, debriefing, etc.. but SO many, taking place in such a short time frame?…. i am afraid that my heart will not be the same.
day two of the third grade ended in sobbing tears from our brave student. her feelings were hurt by a girl (hootchie mama) on the playground. many of you roll your eyes. but it is so much more complex than just that. my sweet girl, all alone on the play ground, pacing between playground equipment trying to find a group of girls to let her join in their fun, only be rejected with a, “MOVE!” the more the scene repeated itself in my head, the more i tortured myself over our decision to send katie to school. we sent her there with NO ONE. not a soul that she knew or had even, ever, met. how cruel and unusual is that? not once in either of mine or mark’s school years were we left alone on the play ground. the more i thought about it i began to dry heave out of deep pain. i, unintentionally, caused my daughter pain. i KNOW that it NOT my job to keep my kids from experiencing pain. my parents watched me walk through unmentionable pain as a child, teen, adult, and now a mother. they have faithfully prayed, encouraged, and now i know that they grieved watching me struggle. i am sure there are endless stories my mom could tell (if she could) about those tears she cried on my behalf. i had never felt pain so intense, of behalf of my child, that it caused me to puke. now i have…
in the middle of katie sobbing and me dry-heaving, anderson thought it was appropriate to poop while sitting with his legs spread open in his car seat… which only proves my mom’s deep, accurate, statement of the past, that lies ever-present in my heart, “sometimes it takes shit to make things grow!”